Speaking Your Needs

If you have ever met me, you will know that I am a very independent person. I have never been the type to ask for help.

This headstrong trait that resists others, has not only made my life more challenging but has carried over to my emotional self as well.

For most of my life, I have believed the lie that if I ask for help or for what I need then I am being too needy and being needy is bad because I’m burdening others.

But this is oh so wrong.

To be needy is to be human. We all have needs, whether we like it or not.

In being human, we have needs that have to be met. At times it is simple like being hungry. But other times it can be deeper, more emotional.

For instance, sometimes we need to be celebrated, or we need a person to cry with us. Other times, having an emotional need will look like needed encouragement or advice.

I am sure that you have been able to recognize a need you have had in your life. But you might not know what it means to ask for what you need or to speak your needs.

To speak your needs means that you ask someone to meet a need that you can’t on your own.

If you need someone to comfort you, you ask a close friend to do that. If what you need is encouragement, validation, acceptance, forgiveness, assistance, prayer, advice, or literally anything else, then you ask them for that.

I have found the best way to get a need met is to simply ask for it, but sometimes it doesn’t feel so simple.

This is because asking someone to meet a need is a vulnerable experience.

You are showing the other person that you don’t have it all together and that is really hard to do.

Even though asking for what you need from someone can be scary, it is always worth it.

When vulnerability is accepted in a relationship it allows you and the other person to grow deeper in a way that was never possible before.

An easy way to practice asking for your needs is by first going to a close and trusted friend. This is really important because you will need to feel comfortable around this person to be honest.

Talk to them about how you would normally about a situation you’re going through. Whether it’s ranting or crying or literally anything.

When you are finished sharing your heart and mind with them, ask them “I am really feeling _____ about this situation. Can you please give me _______.” (you fill in the blanks).

Doing this automatically gives your friend a clear expectation of what you need.

It gives them an opportunity to meet your need and love you the way that you need to be at that moment. It creates space for vulnerability and growth.

When I started doing this in my own life, I didn’t always really know what I needed from my close friends.

I found that it is sometimes it is easier to start by figuring out what you don’t need.

Occasionally, after I told something to a friend they would give advice or encouragement, and sometimes it was the last thing I wanted to hear.

In these moments, this sunken feeling occurred in my chest and I felt as though I wanted to run away from the person or in all honesty, tell them to shut up.

However, I was able to recognize that when I shared something with them I didn’t need advice or whatever they were doing.

When this happens, I would ask them to stop and tell them, “That isn’t what I need.” and then I would ask them for what I needed instead.

It is important to realize that sometimes friends make mistakes, and I am sure that you will too as sometime or another. When asking for a need to be met, what we receive from someone might not always be what we expected or needed.

In these situations, we need to have grace, not only for the other person, but for ourselves as well. The best thing to do when this happens is be more clear with what you need and ask again.

You will only truly learn to speak your needs to others when you’re able to recognize what you need yourself.

This takes so much practice, but you’ll learn soon enough because you are the only one that knows you what you need

Speaking your needs gives space to process your own emotions and handle them in a healthy way.

God gave us our emotions for a reason, but he gave us relationships so that we can process our emotions together.

We were given community for a reason, not just to have fun and make memories, but to walk with each other during hard times.

Asking for our needs to be met gives space for vulnerability, growth, and most importantly healing. Relationships where being needy is acceptable is where you will feel most loved, valued, and cherished.

Need help in discovering what you need? Here is a list of words that give a description of what you might need from a friend. Check it out!

Relational Needs Download

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